Thursday, 11 September 2014

Writing Sample T3


WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to use simile, metaphor and emotive language
                                                      
                                                



SUCCESS CRITERIA
Paragraphing
My writing is organised into paragraphs, each with it’s own idea or ‘scene.’

 











language features
I have included a range of similes, metaphors, onomatopoeia and/or alliteration to create meaning and effect and hold the reader’s interest.













I have used a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning.













I have used a variety of simple, complex and compound sentences to build interest and suspense.













Structure
I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.













TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

My Life, What Happens Every Day

We've woken up from our sleep over at my house Pablo gets up and jumps on Rob. He tickles him with a the feather on his pencil until he wakes up suddenly an adventure pops out of Pablo's mouth nope just a burp “I smell adventure” said Rob let's get this over with!

We've woken up from our sleep over at my hose Pablo gets up and jumps on Rob and tickles him with a pencil until he wakes up suddenly an adventure pops out of Pablo's mouth I smell adventure let's get this over with!

Here is my first draft

"I need books" said Pablo.
"So do I" said Rob.
"No"
"Bu.."
"No"
"Ohhhhhhhh"Pablo is in a bad mood today, He threw his books into the fireplace.... And they were the Library's "You see  Pablo doesn't like books and Rob well I just don't know. I guess that's why he always follows Pablo and does stupid life threatening stuff... like getting in the car with Pablo! "Hey I heard that and Pablo has a license, I think" See I told you he is quite tough but not smart at all he is actually 10 years old and shy... when he wants to be. It is really annoying. "alright let's go Rob" said Pablo  No Rob don't get in the car with Pablo" I said, He gets in the car Pablo starts the engine "How do you know how to even drive Pablo?" I scolded he replied with "I took a driving course" "BUT YOUR NOT 18!" I shouted back "one word Bob" he  said "Facial Hair" they get in Pablo starts the engine, he puts on his trucking hat and mustache. He shouts at me "you coming or what?" Your insane I reply as I get in the car we are driving down the street collecting gazes from neighbors as Rob my brother fiddles with window! The squeaky one. Squeak squeak sqeeeeeeēeeeeeeeeeeeksqueak. We have arrived. Wow it is BIG we all get out... although something's bothering me Rob is trying to read the sign, "libraarie" he says "it's Library" I correct his mistake "oh shut up" he said as he wandered after me and Pablo.  Up the ramp when we see a really overweight dude coming at us he takes up the whole foot path! To make things worse rob falls over on the ground and cracks up he is howling like a hyena it's ridiculous he says he won't stop until we buy him a goat yes you heard correctly you are NOT going totes cray cray he wants a goat. We walk back to the car and get in Rob pulls out his iPad  and says where we get the closest goat from :70 Priptan Drive. Wait, that's our house!
"EXPLAIN" I scream at the giggling fit on the ground

This is my edited.

"I need books" said Pablo. 
"So do I" said Rob.
"No"
"Bu.."
"No"
"Ohhhhhhhh"Pablo is in a bad mood today, He threw his books into the fireplace.... And they were the Library's "You see  Pablo doesn't like books and Rob well I just don't know.

I guess that's why he always follows Pablo and does stupid life threatening stuff... like getting in the car with Pablo! "Hey I heard that and Pablo has a license, I think" See I told you he is quite tough but not smart at all he is actually 10 years old and shy... when he wants to be. It is really annoying.

 "alright let's go Rob" said Pablo  No Rob don't get in the car with Pablo" I said, He gets in the car Pablo starts the engine "How do you know how to even drive Pablo?" I scolded he replied with "I took a driving course" "BUT YOUR NOT 18!" I shouted back "two words Bob" he  said "Facial Hair" they get in Pablo starts the engine, he puts on his trucking hat and mustache. He shouts at me "you coming or what?" Your insane I reply as I get in the car we are driving down the street collecting gazes from neighbours as Rob my brother fiddles with window!
The squeaky one. Squeak squeak sqeeeeeeēeeeeeeeeeeeksqueak. 

We have arrived. Wow it is BIG we all get out... although something's bothering me Rob is trying to read the sign, "library he says "it's Library" I correct him but then I realize my mistake he said it correctly "but I said it…" rob argued " shut up" I say as he wandered after me and Pablo.  Up the ramp we see a really overweight dude coming at us he takes up the whole foot path! ( it's a tiny footpath!) To make things worse rob falls over on the ground and cracks up he is howling like a hyena it's ridiculous he says he won't stop until we buy him a goat yes you heard correctly you are NOT going inanely crayzie he wants a goat. 

We walk back to the car and get in Rob pulls out his iPad  and says where we get the closest goat from :70 Priptan Drive. Wait, that's our house!"EXPLAIN" I scream at the giggling fit on the seat. He says (in between hicupps) "well you know how I have always wanted a goat, well I knew someday you'd give in so I have secretly had a goat under my bed" "what?" I replied " you've had a goat this whole time under your bed and that Mahhh MAHHHHHhh sound was the goat? Not you?" "Yup" he says. Pablo turns the ignition and we head back home to let the goat out. 

"Wait Rob one more question how will the goat benefit us?" I asked He said "it will do the lawn it will help us on trash day... "wait you mean we won't have to pay the garbage bill!" Yes said Rob and I've taken the liberty to train him to poop in the toilet I've used my initiative and installed a thing where the loo flush when you walk out which will help because you tend to leave your "business" in the loo so.... I am starting to think I'm crazy with Rob using all those big words I nearly fainted at the thought of a potty trained goat! " Rob has the goat been giving you English lessons?" " yeah how'd you know? " Um you said you wanted books you used big words so I just put two and two together" “Oh" said Rob. We pull up into the driveway and walk inside it has been a long day.


Evaluation
How has your writing has improved this term? I have used similes where they best suit and my story flows like a river.

The part of my story I am most proud of is:  We walk back to the car and get in Rob pulls out his iPad  and says where we get the closest goat from :70 Priptan Drive. Wait, that's our house!"EXPLAIN" I scream at the giggling fit on the seat. He says (in between hicupps) "well you know how I have always wanted a goat, well I knew someday you'd give in so I have secretly had a goat under my bed" "what?" I replied " you've had a goat this whole time under your bed and that Mahhh MAHHHHHhh sound was the goat? Not you?" "Yup" he says. Pablo turns the ignition and we head back home to let the goat out. because this where I used most description and put more time into.

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards? maybe a bit more similes

Feedback/Feedforward: I think your grammar is really beautiful. - JP


1 comment:

  1. Hi Liam - I think this focus piece best gives the reader a taste of the wonderful writer's voice I know is inside you. You have a clever sense of humour that I know lots of readers will enjoy. To keep readers hooked though attention to detail is a must. Remember how we have talked about the way you read your work as a writer is completely different than how we read it as a reader. We get distracted by spelling and punctuation errors. Our brain doesn't know what's happening next so we read slower - each new piece of information needs processing. However, as a writer you read quickly because you know what's coming - and more importantly - you fill in any gaps or confusing detail because you already have the full plot in your imagination.Even very clever writing (art, music, anything...) weakens if errors such as punctuation and spelling distract the reader or lack of imagery such as metaphors and similes stop the reader from picturing what's happening in their head. I want you to continue to use imagery to strengthen your writing next term.

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